and baby makes 6!

An e-mail

Sometimes I feel like I am writing into a void. Sort of like that old saying, if a tree fell in the woods and no one was there to hear it, did it make a sound? Why take time away from my family, home and such to keep up my site? What is the purpose of it?

Then last week, I was driving home from Ft. Worth and was checking my e-mail via the cell phone (I know, my bad. I was anxiously awaiting an e-mail from a friend in Galveston) and I started reading one that began “Dear Jody, I have started and closed an email to you many times over the last few months……” and as I continued reading, I started to realize that this was not an ordinary e-mail from an “and baby makes 6!” reader. By the time I got to the 4th paragraph, I was sobbing and had to pull into a rest stop. I sat there crying for what seemed like an eternity, my kids in the backseat perplexed.

I want to share this e-mail with you. To protect this persons privacy, no names will be posted and I will share only a part of the letter as it pertains to my family.

______

Dear Jody,

I have started and closed an email to you many times over the last few months. I never knew what it was that I wanted to say, so I put it off for another day. One in which the laundry wasn’t piling up or the kids didn’t all want something at once (as if that day would ever come). I have never been a devoted commenter, so this very well may be the first time you have ever heard from me. I originally started reading your blog not long after Amelia was born. I found your blog through Chris at notesfromthetrenches. I loved the way you wrote. With comedy, joy, and appreciation of life all woven together like a beautiful blanket you told of your journey. At times I knew exactly what you were talking about and felt genuine adoration for someone else being able to speak what was on my mind!

I stopped reading blogs shortly after (my 4th son) was born, I just didn’t have the time anymore. In mid to late September 2006, I came across your blog again by accident. I was excited to catch up on what had been going on with your children, only to find that your life had forever been changed with Bill’s illness (forgive me I don’t remember now if it was an anyeurism or stroke) . I couldn’t believe what I was reading, I was actually in shock as if someone very close to me had been dealt such a blow. It was hard to fathom how such a healthy, young father of four should have to be managing this. For about a week I read through your archives of the previous months. At night I would lay in bed and cry trying to imagine what you or the kids were going through, and honestly I couldn’t. My heart was breaking for you all. My husband asked why I was crying one night, and I told him your story. I couldn’t get over how unfair it felt. He put his arms around me, and told me, “We are never guaranteed a certain amount of days, and the Lord never promised us a pain-free life, He only promised that he would be there for us on the journey through it.” I knew he was right, but I still struggled with the “Why” of it all.

As I read your blog I was amazed to watch you grow while traveling this new path with your husband. You fiercely embraced your life and vowed to enjoy every minute of it that you could. I marveled at your strength and faith, and my fears were quieted as I watched your new life emerge. Through your writing you opened my eyes a little wider and brought a little more light into my life. I stopped looking quite so far forward, but instead started seeing the now in everyday life. I hugged harder and longer, reminded everyone how much I loved them (especially my husband), and vowed to not take the blessings of my life for granted. Like you, I loved my husband and even more loved being with him. The cliche is used so often but he was really my best friend. He was a calming force in my life, and we chose to spend most of our free time together because we just had so much fun, alone and with the kids. So honestly, I felt as though I did appreciate my husband and told him often, but the weeks following finding your blog again was full of reaffirmations of love and friendship and devotion. When I look back it was such a good time. We were reconnecting on a depper level than ever before and our whole family was basking in the warmth brought on by a renewed bond between us all. We thanked God for our gifts and felt truly blessed to be living our days together.

On October 25, 2006, just weeks after finding and reading your blog, I awoke to find my husband had suddenly died while he was getting ready for work that morning. He did not have any chronic illnesses or health problems and had just had a physical in June which came back great. So needless to say this was completely unexpected and we were all shocked. However, I remember almost immediately a feeling of calm and peace, not anger and betrayal, and I knew the Lord was with me. That morning a few hours after I found my husband, I was nursing (my son) and it hit me. This little baby was bestowed upon me as a gift because only the Lord knew what I was going to have to endure in the coming months. My Why’s were slowly being answered.

I do not believe in coincidences. A few days after my husband’s service, I thought of you and Bill, the children, and your blog. There were so many blogs that I chose to read once upon a time, very few of them written down or bookmarked. So, “Why” was it that I came across yours a few weeks before (my husband) died? I really didn’t have to ask myself that question because I knew. The Lord led me there so I could witness your journey in preparation for my own. He allowed me the chance to spend a few weeks blissfully loving my husband like I should have from the beginning. This gift gave me the ability to say goodbye without a lot of regrets hanging over my head. I felt deeply that (my husband) knew how much I loved and cherished him and I will forever be thankful for that. (My husband) was right. We are never promised a life free of pain. There are many days that I feel deep pain, sorrow, and loneliness for my husband; so many in which I feel joy and love; but there are never any days in which I feel abandoned or alone.

I do not expect any return correspondence from you, I just felt a strong need to let you know how thankful I am that you decided to share the story of your life. For once I willingly welcomed a Messenger into my life and allowed their message to change it. Thank you so much for your message, it travels with me on this new path right next to my heart.

__________________

There are few moments in life where God reaches out and touches us directly and so profoundly that the moment is forever etched in our hearts. I call them “Hand of God” moments and I can say that it has happened to me 5 times in my life. The first time was upon learning that my father had terminal cancer (that is a post all in its own). The second was a very personnal moment during a Walk to Emmaus. The 3rd was at the moment I learned I was pregnant with Quinn. The 4th was when I held my daughter for the first time and realized that all the miscarriages, all the sorrow we had experienced led straight to this child I was holding in my arms. His fingerprints were all over her.

The 5th time was upon reading this beautiful note from a stranger….a person who God had touched through Bill and I.

I received this e-mail last week, and still I sit here stunned. I am broken hearted for her and for her children (she has 4 as well). It really hurts to try and go there, because I have been in constant fear of just that very thing happening to Bill, and while I cannot know the depth of her grief, I have imagined it over and over in my mind since Bill got sick and just the thought knocks the breath out of me. I wish I could wrap her in my arms and take the pain away.

Since receiving this e-mail, I don’t see Bill’s stroke as a pointless mishap that we are suffering through anymore. What happened to him and to our family had meaning and through it someone else was blessed as well.

How often in this life are we gifted to receive such blessed affirmation?

Thank you from the bottom of my heart J, for taking the time, in the midst of your grief, to bless Bill and I with your letter. Your message is right next to my heart as well.